Nothing was working. I forgot everything I'd learned. I was clunky in the water. My breathing was out of wack. I wanted to quit. I considered cancelling my upcoming lesson due to my regress rather than progress. The thought of actually completing the (open-water Atlantic Ocean) swim part of this race became more and more of a pipe dream in my head. And then it hit me.
This revealed my blind spot. Her question to me was about progress, but all I was focused on was my end goals and the way in which I was straying from plan. Anything outside of my plan meant I wasn’t progressing, resulting in all those weighted shoulds feeling hella heavy.
I shared the experience with a friend after the event, to which he quoted Matthew 18:20. “For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” It reminded me that nothing happens by accident, and that, once again, there is a plan at work that I am not privy to.
The old story tells me I can't achieve my goals and also be well-rested. The old story tells me there must be sacrifice. As someone who tends to listen for what others need so as to feel valued and important by providing it, it's automatic that the sacrifice comes in the form of self. So when I see a blank space on my calendar I take that to mean I'm available to assist others. Though am I really?